The way you praise your kids may prevent them from becoming successful.
My daughter is about 2 years old. Being a first time parent, I sought help from many different places, my friends who have kids, my parents, my pastor from Church and a lot of books. The most eye-opening book I read was Professor Carol Dweck’s “Mindset: the new psychology of success”
How many of you have kids? How many of you routinely praise your kids? What do you say to them? You are not alone. According to survey, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they are smart.
It’s actually counter-productive to praise your kid’s intelligence. For instance, saying, “oh, Lauren, you finished your homework so fast, you are so smart” will actually hurt her chance of being successful.
The problem lies in the praise itself.
A praise is considered a positive enforcer in behavioral psychology. A reinforcer basically means it increases the future occurrence of the behavior being reinforced. However, a praise on your kid’s intelligence or good looks does not increased desired behavior because these are fixed traits that they can’t change.
Even worse. Carol Dweck conducted an experiment where two groups of students were given a series of easy puzzles to solve. Both groups did well. They were praised either for their intelligence, or for their effort. Then they were given a choice. One choice was a test that would be more difficult than the first, but the researcher told the kids that they’d learn a lot from attempting the puzzles. The other choice, the researcher explained,, was an easy test, just like the first. Of those praised for their effort, 90% chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test.
The problem lies in their mindset. Kids praised for their intelligence needs to maintain that image, and we all know, people with real talent do not need to put in effort to achieve results. This is what psychologies call fixed mindset, also known as entity theory.
On the contrary, kids praised for their effort put even more effort into it next time around. They are not easily discouraged, because failure just means they need to try harder. They possess what psychologies call growth mindset, also known as incremental theory.
So how do you praise your kids?
There are critical dimensions of praise done right.
First, put your kids in the growth mindset. Tell them that the proven facts that the mind is like a muscle which grows with usage, and so is intelligence. Your kids shouldn’t think their natural abilities are enough to make them successful.
Secondly, praise the effort not traits such as intelligence or physical abilities. Emphasizing on effort gives a child a variable they can control. They comet o see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure.
Thirdly, use intermittent reinforcement. Stop showering your kids with praises. Studies have shown praising your kids is like adding sugar when baking a cake, too much sugar will make your kids to expect it every time, and they’ll stop eating cakes when not presented with an overly sweet one.
And lastly, be specific and sincere in your praise. Kids below the age of 7 readily accept praises at face value. However, older kids can smell an insincere praise from miles away. You also need to be specific, ask yourself, do I want the praised behavior to occur more frequently in the future? Also give the reason behind your praise.
I can tell you right now this is hard work. But imagine the day when your sons and daughters leave home to establish a family and a life of their own. And you know deep in your heart they have the persistence and the courage to face whatever challenges lie ahead, and they won’t give up easily.
And know that it’s you who has helped them to become who they are. You have indeed brought out the best in your kids.